Last updated 11:54, Friday, 22 February 2008

THIS week I have been looking at what we will be wearing later this year.

I say ‘what we will be wearing’, but have you ever seen anybody wearing any of the stuff featured in the Sunday supplements? Can’t say I have either.

Most of the stuff looks like fancy dress, and I can’t say that I would relish going out and about looking like Bo Peep, or wearing tartan antlers, as would seem to be the coming fashion.

For instance, one feature I have seen displayed a silk cotton dress at a bargain £1,015 worn with a straw hat with ostrich feather trim (£225). Very practical.

Or, if you can’t stretch to that, how about a silk twill dress at £760 worn with bright pink patent shoes (£535) and a useful hairpiece (£75).

I do not know anyone who dresses like this. No doubt there are some wealthy women who can and do. It is all right for them, they probably don’t have to clean the oven or muck out the guinea pigs.

It would be very difficult to kneel on the kitchen floor and get going with the Cillit Bang if you were clad in silk cotton and patent shoes - and just think of the difficulty in getting the rubber gloves over your ruby and gold cocktail ring (£1,888).

According to the fashion editors, this year’s skirt will be a ‘statement piece’.

What could the statement be? That it covers your lower half and is an alternative to trousers?

I must find a way to wear leopard print, which is big news; and fuchsia, ditto. Leopard print looks better on a leopard (or on Bet Lynch) and fuchsia makes me look as though I have been recently exhumed.

So, if you see someone dressed in a fuchsia, leopard print silk cotton dress, plus ostrich trimmed headgear and pink patent shoes - it isn’t me. I’m the one who isn’t wearing a statement.