Last updated 20:53, Thursday, 17 April 2008

THIS WEEK I have been trawling through the small ads. I just love them and, to quote an old-time newspaper, all human life is there.

Who knows what sad story lies behind ‘wedding dress for sale - never worn?’ Why was the Indian dining furniture hardly ever used? And why would someone want to sell 30 assorted picture frames (in popular sizes - although whoever they are popular with is not disclosed).

Who is so desperate to get rid of a home tanning bed that they can even deliver it? And, if the souped-up Mini is such a fantastic car, why is it being sold?

My favourites, though, are the lonely hearts.

The way that the lovelorn describe themselves, it is a wonder they are lonely at all. If they are as wonderful as they claim to be, surely they should have been snapped up years ago?

Some people are quite specific about their likes and dislikes, presumably to attract a like-minded soul.

They like tennis/fishing/country walks or whatever, and hope to hear from someone who likes the same.

Others seem more desperate. They cover all bases by saying that they like nights in/out, cooking and eating out, popular and classical music or, as one advertiser put it last week: “I like most things in life.”

Some are reasonable in their requirements and just want a caring man/woman (for friendship or maybe more) while others seek a knight in shining armour or, more specifically, a soul mate.

What will they do when, having found one, he turns out to be just an ordinary man who leaves towels on the floor and gives detailed instructions to the Newcastle United defence during Match of the Day?

My favourite ever small ads were in the pets section.

One offered budgery guards for sale, while another advertised an English set of pups. Whether or not the advertisers ever sold their budgerigars and English setters, I will never know.